Another Tribute To Ben Dirs

Here are some more masterful quotes from Ben Dirs (BBC text commentary) on the first test match between England and the West Indies...

Aaah, the English summer. The sound of leather on willow, the smell of freshly cut grass. Village folk dancing round the Maypole, attractive ladies in strappy tops, aggressive looking men with their shirts off drinking strong lager in town centres. Finding yourself nuzzling an unwashed armpit on the Tube in 50C heat. It's going to be another belter ladies and gents.

My colleague tells me Lord's has "the best drainage of any pitch in the northern hemisphere". Weirdo.

I have heard a rumour on Cricinfo that Monty is set to play. Like the way I've blamed it on Cricinfo if that's not the case?

Watching Test cricket again is like slipping into a Penguin Classic after seven weeks locked in a room with only the entire back catalogue of Nuts magazine to read.

Indeed, if Cook was a cook, he'd definitely be a no-nonsense Delia Smith rather than an "ooh, look at me" Heston Blumenthal.

"Just seen a helicopter fly past our office dragging the banner "tekcirc fo emoh eht - S'DROL" Any idea?"

So slip off your shoes under the desk, undo one button on your shirt/blouse and grab a couple of Lilts from the office fridge - And students - DO SOME REVISION!

Oh my giddy aunt! That's an absolutely shocking drop from Ganga at gully. Absolute lollipop. Morton, in shock, jumped in the air at second slip, a bit like Joe Frazier after getting punched very hard in the face by George Foreman back in the day.

Gloria! Gloria! In excelsis Deo! Bell is off the mark with a clip to mid-wicket for one.

Collymore goes through Bell like an Abrakebabra kebab

[About Paul Collingwood] All hail the Steve Davis of cricket (and I mean that in a very nice way).

He punches Plunkett through point for four before opening himself up and marmalising the Durham man over mid-wicket for another.

Not looking good folks, this game needs to be put out of its misery like the rabid badger it is turning out to be.

And for added measure, some snooker ones too...

This is like De la Hoya-Mayweather, except in evening dress and with sticks.

Maguire, I'm told, has a raft of nicknames. Originally, I thought my favourite was 'On Fire Maguire', but then I thought, if he's playing rubbish, it doesn't really work. So now I like 'Live Wire Maguire' instead.

He gets another go and slams home a red into the bottom right and it disappears like a rat up a drainpipe.

This is snooker at its most strange and its most hypnotic - watching this is like having some mushroom-induced dream.

The Scot looks like he's sat in a hospital waiting room anticipating a vasectomy.

I Don't Like Cricket - I Love It

I have been enjoying the Cricket World Cup and have for the first time realised what the Long Wave frequency on my car radio is useful for. However while at work I have been able to follow the matches on the BBC Website text commentary service which is fantastic. My favourite "commentator" is Ben Dirs, here are some extracts...

“Watts latches on to an Ntini short ball and swinging him over the mid-wicket boundary. That was like seeing a mouse-like museum curator burst from behind his desk and lay-out a couple of rowdy youths pawing a priceless vase. That was one of the worst analogies I've ever written. I can't apologise enough.”

“Hayden marches down the pitch towards Collymore, bat raised, as if he's just returned from the theatre to find him rifling through his wife's knicker draw.”

“Thinking about scary times in my life, an internal flight in a storm in Nam (Viet, not Dagen) must be up there, but I also recall going to an Erasure concert in about 1990. That was terrifying.”

“I had a nightmare about the World Cup last night. I dreamt I was in the Caribbean and just before the Australia v South Africa match, I saw a load of Aussie players grab South Africa all-rounder Shaun Pollock, do unspeakable things to him and throw his body onto some weird conveyor belt thing. And as he disappeared down the belt, his head fell off into a box.”

“It was Lara diving over the ball, hitting the deck like a geriatric being tipped out of his wheelchair.”

“Bit of Toto as Hoffmann makes his way to the middle - "I bless the rains down in Africa!" - smashing. My favourite Toto number is Rosanna. I used to go out with someone called Rosanna. Her mum looked like Cher.”

“Pollock is tighter than the Elephant Man's hatband”

“Freddie has been spotted practising his shots. Not pull shots or cover drives. Sambuca”

“Antigua should just be glad that Cliff Richard isn't at the game...”