Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I Don't Like Cricket - I Love It

I have been enjoying the Cricket World Cup and have for the first time realised what the Long Wave frequency on my car radio is useful for. However while at work I have been able to follow the matches on the BBC Website text commentary service which is fantastic. My favourite "commentator" is Ben Dirs, here are some extracts...

“Watts latches on to an Ntini short ball and swinging him over the mid-wicket boundary. That was like seeing a mouse-like museum curator burst from behind his desk and lay-out a couple of rowdy youths pawing a priceless vase. That was one of the worst analogies I've ever written. I can't apologise enough.”

“Hayden marches down the pitch towards Collymore, bat raised, as if he's just returned from the theatre to find him rifling through his wife's knicker draw.”

“Thinking about scary times in my life, an internal flight in a storm in Nam (Viet, not Dagen) must be up there, but I also recall going to an Erasure concert in about 1990. That was terrifying.”

“I had a nightmare about the World Cup last night. I dreamt I was in the Caribbean and just before the Australia v South Africa match, I saw a load of Aussie players grab South Africa all-rounder Shaun Pollock, do unspeakable things to him and throw his body onto some weird conveyor belt thing. And as he disappeared down the belt, his head fell off into a box.”

“It was Lara diving over the ball, hitting the deck like a geriatric being tipped out of his wheelchair.”

“Bit of Toto as Hoffmann makes his way to the middle - "I bless the rains down in Africa!" - smashing. My favourite Toto number is Rosanna. I used to go out with someone called Rosanna. Her mum looked like Cher.”

“Pollock is tighter than the Elephant Man's hatband”

“Freddie has been spotted practising his shots. Not pull shots or cover drives. Sambuca”

“Antigua should just be glad that Cliff Richard isn't at the game...”

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Thursday, March 22, 2007

Computer Says No

I have just finished reading an immense book about a Russian navy officer, Sergei Kourdakov, in the 1970's who escaped the communist persecution of Christians, which he was involved in, by swimming through icy waters to Canada from his ship 12 miles from shore.

Here's a quote:

During my weeks in jail, someone from a government office came to me and said something to the effect, "Kourdakov, we have checked your story very carefully from start to finish. We have put all the factors into a computer, especially programmed to make an analysis. We have put in the water temperature, the direction and strength of the wind, the severity of the storm, the distance from the ship to the shore, the height of the waves-even your physical strength. Our analysis is that your swim and survival were impossible. This is the conclusion of our computer. Is there anything at all that you have failed to tell us about that night?"

I thought for a moment and said "The only thing I left out is that I prayed to God very much."

He left, then came back a few days later. "Sergei," he said, "you'll be interested to know that when all the factors were fed into the computer, including your prayer to God, the computer now reports that your swim and survival were possible. We believe your story."

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Friday, March 16, 2007

Song For Europe

On Saturday the nation will decide who will represent the UK at this years Eurovision Song Contest (12 May).

There are 6 contenders and here's what they've had to say...

Justin Hawkins (from The Darkness)
"I think it's the biggest, most glamorous and possibly the most important music event there is"

Randy (Big Bruvaz)
"This is an opportunity for us to showcase UK hip-hop and R&B on a world scale. We're the first urban group to ever be asked to do this competition, so we consider that a privilege as well."
- How could he forget the very urban Love City Groove of 1995?

Brian Harvey (of East17 fame)
"It's the best song I've ever recorded ever - or could ever hope to record. It really is that good"
- What? Better than "Stay Another Day"? Or "Love, Let It Rain"? Or "Thunder"? No, surely not. (Incidently Brian has recovered from running himself over in his Mercedes-Benz.)

David Ducasse (Scooch)
"It's about time Eurovision had a pop act to go through for the UK,"
- 'Cos we all remember how good Gemeni were.

Cyndi (she's French)
"I really have faith in people, they will choose whatever song touches them the most."
– Of course they will dear!

The other contestant is Liz McClarnon (ex-Atomic Kitten), who hasn’t said anything too silly - yet.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Waiting For The Summer

(to be read in a shouty voice)

Yesterday temperatures soared to almost 15 degrees C so that must mean its the summer...


STOP wearing shorts - especially school kids
STOP trying to make the most of it by doing everything outside
STOP eating ice cream
STOP thinking Tim Henman is about to win Wimbledon


They forcast frost next week - that'll serve you right.

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Sunday, March 04, 2007

You Can't Spell Slovenia Without Love

Phone Call...

Mark: Hi Dave
Me: Hi Mark, how are you?
Mark: Fine. Look I can't talk for long... I'm in Slovenia.
Me: Oh Ok...


Me: Well have a nice time in Slovenia then.
Mark: You too.
Me: ????

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Defibrillated Horse Blood

Another highly bizzare e-mail at work today:

We have some defibrillated horse blood which has been delivered to the wrong address and cannot be returned - We have been asked to dispose of it.

If this is of any use to you, then please contact Lab Services.

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I Didn't See That One Coming

One thing at work that seems really strange to me is the enormous secrecy that surrounds the signing and giving of the inevitable birthday card - like the person doesn't know about they're gonna get a card.

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