Literally The Bee's Knees

Martin sent me a link to a site which literally lists millios of misuses for the word 'literally'. This afternoon I literally spent ages picking out the best but theres literally bucket loads of funny quotes I haven't included which will literally blow your mind, so check it out your self - www.bubo.org/misc/literally.htm.

"Liverpool have literally come back from the grave." - BBC Sports News, reporting on Liverpool's comeback in the UEFA Champions League Final

"Billions of pounds are literally being flushed down the toilet." - Breakfast TV

"The government has literally ploughed millions of pounds into the soil in this area." - Michaela Strachan, BBC Countryfile

"James Milner is literally hugging the touchline." - Football correspondent, BBC Radio 5 Live

"India will quite literally be your oyster." - Lastminute.com Indian cooking holiday

"Roy Keane has got too big for his boots, literally." - Mike Ingham, BBC Radio Five Live

"The village has literally been through a mangle." - Bob Sinkinson, BBC Radio Five Live

"We've literally been to the ends of the Earth to find the best clip art." - Clip art website

"How to make your website literally worldwide." - Internet article, Austin Business Journal

"As athletes these triple jumpers are literally human kangaroos." - Stuart Storey, European Championships, BBC

"When Andre Agassi meets a qualifier, he tends to literally steamroller them." - Ian Carter, BBC Tennis Correspondent, Radio 5 Live,

"All hell broke loose - literally." - Report on the rowdy Lewis - Tyson press conference, Radio 5.

"This chilli will literally blow your head off!" - UK Food Channel

"The ground is so dry around Sydney that fires can flare up literally at the drop of a hat." - TV Commentator

"Either side and he'd have scored, but it was straight, literally, down the keeper's throat." - Commentator, Radio 5 Live

"It could have gone either way, but we literally ran out of legs." - Keith Allan, President, England Roller Hockey Association, Radio 5 Live

"The police were literally swimming in a sea of red herrings." - Sun Reporter regarding the Jill Dando murder trial.

"Schumacher literally blew the socks off the opposition in Malaysia." - Grand Prix Legends Newletter

"That was literally a tune and a half." - Sara Cox, BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show

"I fell off the plank because, literally, my legs went to jelly." - Davina McCall, Zoe Ball Breakfast Show, BBC Radio 1

"Toadfish is eating out of Lou's hand - literally!" - Neighbours

"Denise Lewis literally bounced back in the High Jump." - David Coleman

"There has been a literally seismic shift in Sinn Fein's position." - Tony Blair, BBC Radio 5

"Space-station Mir is literally a few tin cans joined together." - Space correspondent, BBC Radio 5

daVideos

Here are some cracking videos on the internet...

Extreme Unicycling - this is crazy
More Extreme Unicycling

Matrix Table Tennis - made for a Japanese New Years TV show

Juggling - with Vova and Olga

Human Pyramid - Oops!

Norris McWhirter

I'm still trying to decide on which world record I should attempt to break... any ideas?
Heres some more inspiration.

Greatest Distance Jumped On A Pogo Stick
Ashrita Furman of Jamaica, New York, USA, set a pogo stick jumping distance record of 37.18 km (23.11 miles) in 12 hours 27 minutes on June 22, 1997 at Queensborough Community College Track, New York, USA.

Greatest Distance Moonwalked in One Hour
Adam Hall of San Francisco, California, was over the moon aftering moonwalking through the backstreets of Denver, Colorado, for a distance of 2.41 km (1.5 miles) in one hour on October 22, 2002. A "moonwalk support crew" shadowed 25-year-old Adam in an automobile, measuring his distance with an odometer.

Longest Continuous Clapping
The duration record for continuous clapping, sustaining an average of 160 claps per minute, audible at 110 m (120 yd), is 58 hr 9 min by V Jeyaraman of Tamil Nadu, India, from February 12-15, 1988.

Longest Time Spent in Attic
Stephan Kovaltchuk spent 57 years in his attic in Montchintsi, Ukraine, before emerging at the age of 75 in September 1999 because his sister, who had looked after him, had died. Having originally gone into hiding from the Nazis, who occupied Ukraine in 1942, he remained in isolation to avoid the draft by the Russians after the Red Army's victory over the Germans.

Balancing On One Foot
The longest recorded duration for balancing on one foot is 76 hr, 40 min by Arulanantham Suresh Joachim at Vihara Maha Devi Park Open Air Stadium, Sri Lanka, from May 22–25, 1997.

Heaviest Weight Lifted With Ear
The heaviest weight lifted using only the ear is 51.7 kg (113 lb 15 oz) by Zafar Gill (Pakistan), who lifted gym weights hanging from a clamp attached to his right ear and held the weight for seven seconds on May 26, 2004 at Lahore, Pakistan.

Most Beer Kegs Balanced On Head
England's John Evans balanced 11 empty beer kegs on his head for the required 10 seconds on Guinness World Records: Primetime, on June 17, 1998.

Stair climbing by bicycle - most steps
The record for the most steps climbed on a bicycle is 1,374 by Xavi Casas (Andorra) at the Eiffel Tower, Paris, France on May 26, 2004.

Largest Collection Of Hair (Historical Figures)
John Reznikoff of Connecticut, USA, has accumulated a collection of hair from 115 different historical celebrities. This collection of famous locks is insured for $1 million and includes genuine tresses from the heads of Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Albert Einstein, Napolean, Elvis Presley, King Charles I, and author Charles Dickens.

Most Layers of Paint on a Ball
The most layers on a ball of paint is approximately 17,994 on a baseball owned by Michael Carmichael of Alexandria, Indiana, USA. Since first painting the ball in 1977, he and his wife Glenda have added nearly two coats of paint a day and, as of June 2004, the ball had a circumference of 2.77 m (9 ft 1 in).

The Final Countdown

As a tribute to Richard Whitely, in my opinion, one of the greatest TV personalities ever, here are some Richard Whitley puns. (I once went to a party as Richard Whitley and even had my own 'Inverted T')

1. Two Eskimos went on a boat and as it was cold one of them set fire to the boat. The boat sank which just goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
2. An anthropologist was wandering about a jungle. He found a lost tribe. This tribe had a special plant that was a cure for constipation. The tribe leader told him: "With fronds like this who needs enemas".
3. I was in a Chinese restaurant and noticed Jeremy Paxman sitting alone at a table. He had a big pile of food in front of him. Paxman asked the waitress why he had lots of food. “It’s your starter for ten” replied the waitress.
4. Did the inventor of the doorknocker win the no-bell prize?
5. If a short fortune-teller escaped from prison, would there be a small medium at large?
6. Some mills in the south of England went bust. A wealthy man buys the mills and turns them into a kennel for dogs from Germany. A man and his wife pass by the mills one night. The wife asks her hubby what the noise is. Her husband replies, "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich".
7. A man walks into the doctor's. He tells the doctor that he dreamt that he was being poached then he was being fried. Last night he dreamt that he was being boiled and scrambled. "Ah" says the doctor. "You are going from one eggs dream to the other".
8. A Russian man and his wife are walking along a road. All of a sudden something drips on the man. “That’s got to be rain” said the man. “No dear” replied his wife. “It’s definitely snow”. The couple decide to ask Rudolph the Communist, as he knows what is going on. “It’s raining,” confirmed Rudolph. The woman tried to say it was definitely snowing but her husband said “Rudolph the red knows rain, dear”

Make Like A Tree

In less than a week I will have packed up all my stuff, collected my deposit, handed in my keys and will no longer to be referred to as 'Dave from Crawley'. It's time to move on again (to my 8th different house in 5 years). Its starting to get a bit frustrating, just as I have settled down and made some friends (who I love and want to remain friends with for the rest of my life - and I mean that) I'm off again and starting the whole process over again. Making new friends and trying to get them to like me for who I am, and knowing that after a year I'll be leaving to start the whole process all over again. I used to find this kinda thing really exciting and I still do, but something inside me is desperate to stay long enough to build relationships, get stuck into local church and community and not have to worry about making a good impression on everyone I meet. Perhaps its the old man in me starting to come out.

Henman Hell

Its time as a nation once again to come together and mourn the end of another Henman (ancestors half hen, half man) bid to win Wimbledon. Slightly earlier than anticipated some may think but no... and heres the proof:

Here is a pattern of Tim Henman singles career (read down on left then up on right).

Year...Round...Year
1994...1ST... 2006?
1995...2ND...2005
1996...QF...2004
1997...QF...2003
1998...SF...2002
1999...SF...2001
...2000...4TH...

But thankfully we still have one plucky Brit that the whole nation can get behind so lets here it for Jeremy Bates!

I'm All Going On A Summer Holiday

Here's my plans for the summer:

Thurs 30 June: Last day at work

Sat 2 July: S2 (cell group) beach BBQ
Sun 3 July: Going home to Chandlers Ford
Tues 5 July: Reading, visiting friends
Weds 6 July: Leicester, with Zoe
Fri 8 July: Harpenden, for Transmission weekend
Weds 13 July: Flying to Prague (Czech Rep) on 24-7 mission team
Sun 17 July: Train from Prague to Bratislava (Slovakia)
Tues 19 July: Train from Bratislava to Krakow (Poland)
Thurs 21 July: Train from Krakow to Warsaw (still Poland)
Sun 24 July: Train (16 hours) from Warsaw to Kiev (Ukrane)
Fri 29 July: Flying back to London

Sat 6 Aug: Fi (my li'l sis) is getting married to Andy Jones
Sun 7 Aug: Flying from Eastleigh (England) to Glasgow (Scotland) with Zoe
Mon 8/Tues 9 Aug: Hopefully going to Edinburgh for the day
Weds 10 Aug: Train to Liverpool for Merseyfest with Kings Kids
Tues 23 Aug: Flying home from Liverpool to Eastleigh
Fri 26 Aug: I might be in Lewes - TBC
Mon 29 Aug: Back in Horsham for Megamix holiday club

Fri 2 Sept: Attempting to pass my driving test (ha ha ha)
Sun 4 Sept: Driving(?!) home to Chandlers Ford
Sun 11 Sept:Songs of Praise Big Sing at the Royal Albert Hall
Mon 12/Tues 13 Sept: Moving to my new home in Coventry
Mon 26 Sept: I start my masters in statistics

Well there you go. It should be fun!

Beergut Prinz

The Women's Football European Championships concluded last night with an all too predictable win for Germany. (Unfortunately I predicted England to win and therefore only finished 7th in my prediction competition.)

Here are the final standings:

POS..NAME.......POINTS..%points..(prediction)
1....Old John.....35.....294.9.......18
2....Damon........35.....277.2.......18
3....Martin.......27.....163.9.......13
4....Mark.........27.....157.7.......10
5....Grange Phil..22.....231.4.......13
6....Monkey.......22.....171.9........6
7....Big Dave.....21.....160.0........9
8....Ruth.........18.....124.9........7
9....Little Dave..17.....127.4.......11
10...Darren.......14.....109.7........8
11...Liam.........14......84.4........5
12...Pete Cox.....13.....108.1........7
13...Reading Dave..8......60.3........5

(% points is a measure of how each person predicted results that other people didnt - its all very statistical)

Anyway OLD JOHN is the winner and his prize is the German striker Beergut Prinz for the week.

Lyrics

As promised here are the word to my favourite most hated childrens christian song. I can just imagine Moses humming this tune as he came off Mount Sinai 4,000 years ago.

(to the tune of nick-nack-paddy-whack)

Number one out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
Do not worship anyone but me, I alone your God will be.

Number two out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
Don't make idols, images to praise, What you make can't take my place.

Number three out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
Keep my name a special one, I am God the holy one.

Number four out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
One day a week you must keep free, Save that day to worship me.

Number five out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
Show respect, love your mum and dad, This will really make God glad.

Number six out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
Do not murder anyone or kill, That would be against my will.

Number seven out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
Live your lives without adultery, That sin breaks up families.

Number eight out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
Do not steal and take what isn't yours, Pay attention to my laws.

Number nine out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
Never lie or say what isn't true, I am God. I care for you!

Number ten out of ten, God gave rules for women and men...
Don't be greedy, wanting all you see, Show content, not jealousy.

Remarkably this song has no copywright so you can use it as much as you like. If you know of any other wonderful songs such as this (and the Flintstones one) then I would love to know about them.

Here's the lyrics to a song I couldn't find on the net so I thought I'd put them here. Its by Neil Bennetts and is on the New Wine 2003 Album.

O perfect love, O perfect sacrifice,
Fountain of life poured out for me,
What heights and depths of heaven’s mercy,
The faithfulness that I believe,
And to whom shall I run,
And in whom shall I hide,
Only You hold the truth I desire,
O perfect love,
My prayer shall ever be,
To be found in Jesus.

O perfect love, O perfect mystery,
You were condemned but I go free,
What truth to know that I can rest upon,
Your perfect love has covered me,
And what can this heart know,
And what can this heart tell,
But of grace that has rescued me,
O perfect love,
My prayer shall ever be,
To be found in Jesus.

O perfect love, forever I shall sing,
Of heaven’s gates flung wide for me,
Where fear of death and tears of hopelessness,
Are swallowed up in victory,
And what praise shall be sung,
Still to the Holy One,
To the Saviour, Redeemer and King,
O perfect love,
My song shall ever be,
‘I am found in Jesus’.

Guinness Is Good For You

I have always wanted to break a world record but could never decide which one and I must admit I don't want to dedicate my whole life to it (yeah, i know dedications what you need if you want to be a reacorrrrd breakerrrrr), I just want it as a hobby to pass a bit of time, so if anyone has any ideas of what they think I could do to get in the Guinness Book of Records without too much effort, (it take about 6 weeks to process an application) then please let me know.

Here is some inspiration.

Fastest text message
Kimberly Yeo Sue Fern (Singapore) typed a prescribed 160-character text on her mobile phone in 43.2 sec on 27 June 2004 at the Singtel SMS Shootout 2004 competition in Singapore.

Fastest Time To Pluck A Turkey
Vincent Pilkington of Cootehill, County Cavan, Republic of Ireland, plucked a turkey in 1 minute 30 seconds on November 17, 1980. His past best time was 2 minutes 44 seconds.

Furthest Marshmallow Nose-Blow
The farthest a marshmallow has been blown out of one nostril and caught in the mouth of a catcher is 4.96 m (16 ft 3.5 in), by launcher Scott Jeckel of Delavan, Illinois, USA, and catcher Ray Perisin of Peoria, Illinois, USA, on the set of Guinness World Records: Primetime in Los Angeles, California, USA on August 13, 1999.

Scott challenged Ray. "I said I could shoot further than that. Then one thing lead to another and we ended up with marshmallows. They're exactly the right size, shape, and consistency, more aerodynamic than popcorn," says Scott.

Loudest Burp
People say Paul Hunn’s burps are as loud as a pneumatic drill, or an aircraft taking off. On April 5, 2000, to prove he’s the biggest belcher on earth, he competed live on British TV and blew away the opposition with a record-breaking burp measuring 118.1 decibels.

Most Bowls Stacked While On A Unicycle
The most aluminium bowls stacked while on a unicycle measuring 2.28 m. (7.5 ft.) tall is 31, by Nancy Huey, of San Francisco, California, USA. She set the record on August 13, 1999.

Most Kicks to the Head in One Minute (Self)
The record for the most consecutive kicks to one’s own head in one minute is held by Michael Lloyd of Midland, Texas, USA who kicked himself in the forehead 42 times in a row on October 7, 2003.

Slingshot Ears
The farthest an American dime has been propelled by the ear lobe is 3 m 30.6 cm (10 ft 10.5 in), by Monte Pierce, of Bowling Green, Kentucky, USA, on the set of Guinness World Records: Primetime.

Longest Journey By Skateboard
The longest recorded journeys by skateboard were completed by Jack Smith (USA) in July 1976 and July 1984, when he covered just under 4,830 km (3,000 miles) between Lebanon, Oregon, and Williamsburg, Virginia, USA.

Longest Ear Hair
Radhakant Bajpai (India) has hair sprouting from the centre of his outer ears (middle of the pinna) that measures 13.2 cm (5.19 in) at its longest point.

You Can't Wash A Window With A Brick

Here is some useful advice I have heard that may well come in handy one day.

1. If you are a busy executive, don't buy a Dachshund; their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
2. If you meet a someone who is a Russian speaker, tell them to "slow down".
3. If you suffer from high blood pressure, to reduce the pressure in your veins, cut yourself and bleed for a while.
4. Mums, a strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly around supermarkets.
5. Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books; just cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
6. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars; just stand closer to the object you wish to view.
7. Olympic athletes can conceal the fact that they have taken performance enhancing drugs by running a little slower and letting someone else win.
8. People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty Toblerone chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
9. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
10. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to the fastest setting whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
11. A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal car for snakes.

Peter Kay and Gordon Strachan

Some truths from Pater Kay:

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
3. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
4. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
5. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed halfway through and then raced against the flush.
6. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
7. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
8. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
9. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
10. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

And some Gorden Strachan quotes:

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado? (after Delgado went AWOL)
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Yabadabadoo

Here's the words to a song I sang at St. Patrick's Church, Wallington. It's to the tune of the Flinstone's theme.

God's love, is the best love,
That the world has ever, ever known,
Deeper, than the deep sea,
It's a love that only God can show,
Higher, than the rockets up in space,
Wider, than the total human race,
God's love, is the best love,
That the world can ever, ever -
The world will ever -
The world will always know.
Yabadabadoo!

I expect all the major Christian festivals will be playing it this summer.

Had a look on my old uni hall website today (pointed out by Alex). They have a Dining hall webcam so students can see how long the dinner queue is. I call this taking laziness to the next level. At least "the image is deliberately blurred to comply with the Data Protection Act".